Prime Minister Eats Prime Rib
by Michael Bwayne
"World
News" | April 15, 2010 | Ottawa -
The joke was on the Prime Minister during what was
suppose to be a time for informal discussions between cabinet members on the
eve of the election week. An open microphone caught Canadian Prime Minister
Stephen Harper unawares as he and the Minister of Status of Women chowed down
on prime Alberta beef. But it was not what the Prime Minister said to Hon.
Josée Verner as how could he say anything with so much of the $5000 a plate
dinner shoved into his mouth at one time. Previously it has been noted the Prime
Minister's eating habits resembled that of a cow eating green grass, but this
the first time the visual of his open mouth chomping and slobbering, was backed
up with audio as though recorded near a trough in an Airdrie barnyard and not
at a black-tie award presentation.
Even the usually composed Hon. Member from
Louis-Saint-Laurent , Quebec looked horrified when a puffed and packed cheeked
Mr. Harper gestured for more mashed potatoes and gravy. As if it seemed to the
Prime Minister the Hon. Member who also holds the portfolio for Canadian
Heritage was diametrically opposed by not responding, Mr. Harper began to grunt
furiously as he frantically pointed at a large dish of P.E.I.'s pride. It was
at this point when the Prime Minister got the prime rib. The lovely Ms. Verner
apparently had enough of her boss' bad manners when she turned to Finance
Minister Hon. Jim Flaherty , and said disdainfully , as it turned out, for all
to hear, 'I could put up with the noise of his back teeth in my ears, if he had
more meat'. To which the Hon. Member, Whitby-Oshawa jubilantly gaffed, 'if he
had more meat, no one else would eat'. The Prime Minister, oblivious to his
party members childish heckles, gnashed on, and seemed determined to pack even
more meat in his salivating hole. As the spectacle continued, it became
apparent that as Mr. Harper chews, his ears move up and down in time with his
gaping mouth. Further analysis of his gorging reveals that the tip of his
Sponge Bob-like nose also moves up and down changing the entire ruminating
performance from animalistic to cartoonish. However, that analysis is soon
dismissed once the audio is taken into account. For if one could fathom the
sight of a man's cheeks stretched over two bowling balls, it would leave no
room in the human mind to comprehend the sound of a man trying digest the
bowling balls only with teeth and saliva. A description of the sound would
include the glugging sound a toilet makes at the end of long slow flush only
repeated many times in rapid succession. Also, the sound of a vacuum cleaner
hose suddenly sucking on the couch cushion and drawing up the remnants of a
spilt milk shake.
Once the error was disclosed to the surprised Prime
Minister by former Alliance leader Stockwell Day, it was the sudden realization
that he might try and swallow the masticated mass that caused Hon. Member
Verner to exclaim, 'Mon Dieu, if he chokes we'll never be elected'. This
prompted the Minister of Public Safety, Mr. Day, to blurt, 'It would not be the
first time he choked because of Alberta.' Then, seeing his boss was helpless,
Mr. Day punned, 'Maybe he's finally bitten off more than he can chew'. The
Prime Minister, a former Reach for Top losing contestant, suddenly became aware
of a chance to be clever, and had no choice but to abandon his quest to became
Canada's Next Top Eater, dispense with his beef entre and start on a new
course, but not dessert, or, at least, maybe just desserts for his ribbers. As
his suborinates looked on in amazement, the usually slack jawed Mr. Harper took
on the diametrically opposed food mass by dislocating his jaw as only a true
snake would do and it was gone faster than he would have liked Governor General
Michelle Jean to dissolve pariament and announce an election.
Once unencumbered, and wanting vindication, the
primed Prime Ribber himself rose to the occasion saying, 'Mr. Day, you need to
get back to work for you have bitten off more than you can eschew'. This caused
the voluptuous Ms. Verner to tittter. With his keen wit fully aroused, Mr.
Harper reset his jaw and added smugly, 'And that is how I deal with a Bloc'.
And the night once again belonged to the Harper.
......................................................
Michael T. Bwayne
Michael T. Bwayne
http://www.muddygrail.com/articles/151/Prime-Minister-Eats-Prime-Rib.html