You Know What Burns My Ass

You know what burns my ass when I say that coffee causes hemorrhoids. You are there all day in the Chinese Canadian cafe waiting to meet a friend to talk to about dick-all really, reading yesterday's paper, discovering innovative ways of getting a tacky piece of nose-pick off your finger, sitting on non-breathing vinyl, drinking weak coffee by the gallon, eating all day breakfast all day, building up acid gas pressure, and, well, something has gotta give and usually it's the inner wall of your ass. And there is no side effect warning on the side of the cup that says drinking coffee and sitting on vinyl for eight hours will cause hemorrhoids to swell and swell and transform until an ostrich grows out of your ass and the Chinese Canadian waitress lady will mock you saying, "You want seeds for your ostrich, that extra, too". And then the very unkind burn of, "Ostrich like you, only you bury your head in booth (laugh, laugh, laugh). More coffee as life pass you by, Mr. Zookeeper?"
Then you must think about the ying-yang of thoughts coming out the ying-yang. Suppose an ostrich can run 30 mph and carry a man on its back. But also suppose that a giant bird, pecking your head and poking in and out and in and out of your asshole all day long, making it necessary to re-wipe your punched out asshole every half-hour, is bothersome; and would you ride your ass-parts in public or compete in an ass-parts race across the desert; and would you name your ostrich after yourself - that would be 'Vein'. And, golly, coffee is good for stimulating thoughts, but do you want to put up with a flightless bird in your ass big enough to kick the shit out of you no matter how helpful that may be. Sure, thoughts are your life, but thoughts can only take you so far, but an ostrich, that is something else to consider especially with the price of gas soaring. Perhaps something should be done. Perhaps, they should heat the vinyl seats. Perhaps when the bill comes, alongside the mint and toothpick is a suppository. Or at the very least come up with a coffee that does not result in such large eggs.