Prime Minister Eats Prime Rib
by Michael Bwayne
"World News" | April 15, 2010 | Ottawa -
The joke was on the Prime Minister during what was suppose to be a time for informal discussions between cabinet members on the eve of the election week. An open microphone caught Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper unawares as he and the Minister of Status of Women chowed down on prime Alberta beef. But it was not what the Prime Minister said to Hon. Josée Verner as how could he say anything with so much of the $5000 a plate dinner shoved into his mouth at one time. Previously it has been noted the Prime Minister's eating habits resembled that of a cow eating green grass, but this the first time the visual of his open mouth chomping and slobbering, was backed up with audio as though recorded near a trough in an Airdrie barnyard and not at a black-tie award presentation.
Even the usually composed Hon. Member from Louis-Saint-Laurent , Quebec looked horrified when a puffed and packed cheeked Mr. Harper gestured for more mashed potatoes and gravy. As if it seemed to the Prime Minister the Hon. Member who also holds the portfolio for Canadian Heritage was diametrically opposed by not responding, Mr. Harper began to grunt furiously as he frantically pointed at a large dish of P.E.I.'s pride. It was at this point when the Prime Minister got the prime rib. The lovely Ms. Verner apparently had enough of her boss' bad manners when she turned to Finance Minister Hon. Jim Flaherty , and said disdainfully , as it turned out, for all to hear, 'I could put up with the noise of his back teeth in my ears, if he had more meat'. To which the Hon. Member, Whitby-Oshawa jubilantly gaffed, 'if he had more meat, no one else would eat'. The Prime Minister, oblivious to his party members childish heckles, gnashed on, and seemed determined to pack even more meat in his salivating hole. As the spectacle continued, it became apparent that as Mr. Harper chews, his ears move up and down in time with his gaping mouth. Further analysis of his gorging reveals that the tip of his Sponge Bob-like nose also moves up and down changing the entire ruminating performance from animalistic to cartoonish. However, that analysis is soon dismissed once the audio is taken into account. For if one could fathom the sight of a man's cheeks stretched over two bowling balls, it would leave no room in the human mind to comprehend the sound of a man trying digest the bowling balls only with teeth and saliva. A description of the sound would include the glugging sound a toilet makes at the end of long slow flush only repeated many times in rapid succession. Also, the sound of a vacuum cleaner hose suddenly sucking on the couch cushion and drawing up the remnants of a spilt milk shake.
Once the error was disclosed to the surprised Prime Minister by former Alliance leader Stockwell Day, it was the sudden realization that he might try and swallow the masticated mass that caused Hon. Member Verner to exclaim, 'Mon Dieu, if he chokes we'll never be elected'. This prompted the Minister of Public Safety, Mr. Day, to blurt, 'It would not be the first time he choked because of Alberta.' Then, seeing his boss was helpless, Mr. Day punned, 'Maybe he's finally bitten off more than he can chew'. The Prime Minister, a former Reach for Top losing contestant, suddenly became aware of a chance to be clever, and had no choice but to abandon his quest to became Canada's Next Top Eater, dispense with his beef entre and start on a new course, but not dessert, or, at least, maybe just desserts for his ribbers. As his suborinates looked on in amazement, the usually slack jawed Mr. Harper took on the diametrically opposed food mass by dislocating his jaw as only a true snake would do and it was gone faster than he would have liked Governor General Michelle Jean to dissolve pariament and announce an election.
Once unencumbered, and wanting vindication, the primed Prime Ribber himself rose to the occasion saying, 'Mr. Day, you need to get back to work for you have bitten off more than you can eschew'. This caused the voluptuous Ms. Verner to tittter. With his keen wit fully aroused, Mr. Harper reset his jaw and added smugly, 'And that is how I deal with a Bloc'. And the night once again belonged to the Harper.
Michael T. Bwayne
Michael T. Bwayne